I was...well for a lack of a better word PISSED. I was so pissed off. At so many things really.
I was pissed at the doctor who told me that even though I definately had MS, once I started the Rebif therapy, I might not even know that I have it for ten years or more.
Really Doc? Because I've known that I've had it every single day since, thanks.
I've been pissed at the way I see my illness effecting my family. My husband is always watching me like I might shoot off into space if he takes his eyes off of me, my kids were terrified that I was going to die and they were also sad because the mom who used to be "Supermom" now couldn't get out of bed long enough to make them breakfast.
I was pissed at the constant pain that I've been in, pissed as my leg for not letting me know when it's going to decide to stop working, pissed at falling down, at fatigue, at the neurologist, who was supposed to be an MS specialist, who kept telling me that MS didn't cause pain, that my leg had full strength, and that when I started talking like Forrest Gump that wasn't MS either.
That's another thing I've been mad about, I never know what's going to happen when I wake up one day to the next. Honestly, one day I took a nap with my two year old son and I had been feeling different that day. I couldn't figure out what it was, not worse. Just tired. When I woke up, I couldn't speak. Then when I could get words out my speech was all broken and I couldn't complete big words and sentences were impossible.
The next day, my husband drove me to this "specialist" who told me that it wasn't my MS causing my speech. It was stress. I thought, but couldn't say or I totally would have, "STRESS? Really? Cause I have three kids, a farm, a house to run, and all of that was there before and I never started talking like Forrest Gump before!!!" His solution was to up my antidepressant (that I have to take because the Rebif is known to cause depression) and give me a script for Xanax. My husband basically told him to stick the scripts up his bum and we left. I haven't seen him since.
I honestly felt like I was drowning. MS had changed everything about my life, it made me feel like I was on the outside of my life looking in, and I knew I couldn't deal with all of this anger on my own. So, I went to see a couselor and I am so glad that I did.
She's been helping me deal with all of this anger and has helped me to find ways to still be involved with my family without wearing myself out. I've been seeing her now for almost five months and it has made such a world of difference. I'm not as angry anymore, although I do still have my moments of rage at this stinking illness, but I'm dealing with it. I can see the difference it's made in me and in my family who no longer feel like they're walking on eggshells around me anymore.
I highly suggest counseling or therapy to anyone going through this. Therapy isn't just for crazy people, which is what I always thought before.
There's nothing more valuable than a good therapist!