Tuesday, May 5, 2009

UN-Happy Anniversary To Me

Today is my "One Year Anniversary".
Exactly one year ago today, I had my life turned upside down by a diagnosis I didn't expect and an illness I will never understand.
I don't know if any of you have ever had this happen, but last week I was sitting in the waiting room of my neurologist's office, flipping through a magazine that was older than my youngest child, when I saw an article that asked:

"What Is Your Idea Of Bliss?"

Out of the blue, something happened that hasn't happened to me since I was 16 and had great plans of being a world known author, all of these things and ideas rushed to my head and I needed to write them down RIGHT NOW because they were things I didn't want to forget.
Bitten by the "Writing Bug".
I grabbed the little journal that I always carry with me, just in case and started writing.
And with this being an important day and all, I thought I would share what I wrote with you. I hope you enjoy it.
My Bliss

If you had asked me what my idea of "Bliss" was one year ago, I would have looked at you-
My hair falling out of my sloppy "Mom Bun", my faded shirt covered in baby drool and ketchup fingerprints, my jeans faded and extremely worn in- I would have replied, after a yawn from being up too late the night before with a sick child and awoken way too early by the other child, who is not sick and very full of energy- that my idea of Bliss would be:
"A day spent in a spa that has a never ending supply of chocolate. A day spent far away from the kids and their constant chaos, far from the responsibilities that come with life as a stay-at-home mother and a wife/homemaker to my husband.
Of course, I wasn't planning on TODAY.
I didn't expect a today where my world would be turned upside down by an illness and a disease I didn't understand.
I was diagnosed with MS and had to learn how to deal with being a "disabled person" and still being a mother/wife.
Now, my idea of Bliss would not only include the endless supply of chocolate, it would also include a day where I had the energy to take my kids to the park and climbs around on the jungle gym with them.
Bliss would be an evening where I felt well enough to go on a "date night" with my husband, where we would go to our favorite restaurant and order the Chocolate Brownie with Peanut Butter Ice Cream dessert.
Bliss would be not having to ever set foot inside a doctors office again or ever needing another medication for as long as I live.
Bliss would be being able to make plans with a friend and actually committing to them ahead of time because I don't have to worry about how I'm going to feel in a week.
Bliss would be having my daughter look at me with confidence and excitement because I told her that we were "going to go shopping and get mani/pedis on Saturday" instead of looking at me with apprehension and worry that I might not be able to see well enough to drive us or not have the energy to get out of bed at all.
My idea of Bliss is now to fight MS. A disease I am now well-educated on but still don't understand so that I can be a part of my life instead of being stuck in the bleachers as a spectator.
I want to live a full life.
A life that others wouldn't know the feeling of living unless they experienced it.
Bliss would be a life filled with laughter, love, and family.
Bliss would be a life filled with energy and adventure.
Bliss would be a day spent in a shirt covered in baby drool and ketchup stains.
Bliss would be a night spent being up too late taking care of a sick child and then waking too early by a child full of energy and excitement about living another day.
And, of course, Bliss would be a never ending supply of chocolate.
-Tracy


7 comments:

Skye said...

Unhappy anniversary my dear :)

Yes, all that and so much more would indeed be bliss!

For me, bliss would be a pain free day. One that starts with me being able to sleep past 5 am, preferably till oh, say 11, and then being able to do whatever I wanted without any worries of it being too much. A day of sunshine and happiness, playing with my kids (granted 2 are really too old to "play" anymore), enjoying the taste of food (most of the time things are quite bland although everyone else says I've put far too much spice into whatever I'm cooking), and just all 'round enjoy life. All I ask is for one day of this, but sometimes even that is too much to ask for.

Bald Ben said...

Your post was really heartfelt, and reminds me of an old Smiths song...Unhappy Birthday...(sorta of the same)

"I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday cause you're evil and you lie. and if you should die, I maybe slightly sad but I won't cry."

In this context I am speaking of MS not you Tracy. You of course are not evil or any of those other things. MS, however, is.

I can relate with all of these desires. Well, maybe not going on a "date night" with your husband. While I am sure he is a very lovely fellow, a "date night" for he and I would just be weird. We are both married and clearly heterosexual.

Anyway, I am well aware of how easy it is to look back at what you were and be painfully aware of the things that you have lost. How at the most inopportune times God gives us a swift kick to the back of the head making us feel that we are somehow less than what we were. Still I think it vital that we keep in the present and keep moving forward to the best of our ability, like a shark, never stopping.

Denver Refashionista said...

A very heartfelt post. You remind me again that I am lucky to generally only suffer small inconveniences at the hands of MS.

Kelley said...

Tracy,
Unhappy anniversary, sweetie!

I haven't been spending much time reading the Yahoo Group posts, so I have to check on you through your blog. I hope the next year brings you more bliss.

Peace,
Kelley

BRAINCHEESE said...

Very nice...and a crappy anniversary belated to you! I'd send you an anniversary card with one of Jerry's kids on it, but I imagine that would be just rude...LOL

Diane J Standiford said...

I will ponder that question too---my idea of bliss b4 and after MS. Thx for sharing and keep writing! (and eating chocolate)

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